Effective Coparenting Solutions for Dealing with Teenagers' Tantrums
Parents bear many responsibilities when it comes to raising their children, and it can be frustrating when tantrums flare up into full blown fits of rage.
Coparents must develop strategies to effectively handle hormonal shifts that cause children in their teenage years to behave irrationally or out-of-control, including more intense tantrums.
What to do
Teenagers lack control over their emotions; their prefrontal cortex has not fully developed yet and they're experiencing many hormonal shifts that make controlling emotions extremely challenging for them. When asked to perform chores or turn off their phone, the request may be met with an eyeroll and/or full-fledged tantrums from them.
At times of tantrums, it is best to reassure them that you understand their situation and are there for them. Try remaining as calm as possible during this period; give them space if possible before discussing their issue again.
Keep in mind that tantrums and outbursts aren't about you as a parent or your parenting skills – they're about your teen feeling blocked from reaching their goal of independence. Being angry during a tantrum will only escalate matters; telling them to "grow up" or stop being such babies is insulting and will only add fuel to their flames.
How to recognize deeper issues
Tantrums by teens often reflect deeper anger or feelings of frustration, indicating either that they feel overwhelmed and are having difficulty expressing themselves clearly or that they feel excluded from family or school activities.
Teenagers are susceptible to mood swings and anger for various reasons, including hormone changes, social and emotional development, mental health concerns and lack of a prefrontal cortex in their brain until early to mid twenties – making it harder for adolescents to control their emotions and impulses.
If your teenager seems to be withdrawing more and more often, reach out to his teachers immediately. It could be that classmates have alienated him or that he's experiencing anxiety and depression.
Once he is calm, talk with him about how he feels and remind him that all feelings are valid but aggressive behavior should never be accepted. Find out if something in his life could be contributing to his aggression; and together make a plan on how you'll manage these situations in future.
Coparenting techniques
Effective strategies for handling tantrums include creating clear lines of communication with both parents and staying calm while acknowledging deeper issues. Try Special Time as an excellent way of helping children process emotions and build emotional resiliency.
Remind yourself that teenagers are at an age where they want to push boundaries and are experiencing major hormonal shifts that could impact their reasoning and decision-making skills. While setting clear and consistent rules can help, working with your coparent to discuss how the behavior is manifesting itself in both houses will also be essential in maintaining appropriate behaviour from both children.
If your teenager is experiencing an epic meltdown and screaming, kicking, and crying on the floor, stay with them in a safe environment where they won't harm themselves or others. Reassure them that expressing feelings is okay but please respect other people's property when doing so. Use age-appropriate examples from when you experienced similar feelings to help your teen feel understood and validated.
How to stay calm
At times of tantrums, it's essential that parents remain calm. Although it can be challenging, yelling back or making threats will only escalate matters further. Instead, try listening and validating their feelings, then involve them in problem-solving (when appropriate). This approach will allow you to gain control of the situation as well as possibly reduce its occurrence over time.
As you observe a teen throwing a tantrum, keep in mind that their tantrum could be caused by something they desire but cannot handle in an adult fashion. By encouraging them to use better tactics for getting what they want instead of resorting to extreme behavior they might try, you show that poor behaviour doesn't work and teach them how to be more reasonable in future interactions.
As it's also essential to remember, if a teen's tantrums persist despite your best efforts, and nothing seems to help, seeking professional mental health assistance may be necessary. Depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder and other emotional conditions may contribute to teenager tantrums; reaching out for professional assistance doesn't signify weakness but rather is an act of courage that ensures both you and your child's safety.
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